[Written in response to articles like this one, this one and this one.]

Recent alarming developments in the Labour party could see its progressive attitudes swept aside by outdated ideology, warn senior members within the group.

Right-wing candidates Yvette Cooper, Liz Kendall and Andy Burnham have gained astonishing popularity within the social-democratic party, with a recent poll predicting they will gain 53% of the vote between them.

The candidates are committed to supporting Capitalism, a late 16th century system invented to allow aristocrats to protect their investments in spice shipping along the high-risk trade-routes to India and China, and underpinned by texts such as Thomas Mun’s England’s Treasure by Forraign Trade, or the Balance of our Forraign Trade is The Rule of Our Treasure. Despite its early ventures repeatedly failing, this economic mechanism spread in the following centuries through a series of violent coups, but has since been largely discredited as oppressive and totalitarian by academics. Capitalists like Kendall, Cooper and Burnham believe that unaccountable, unelected corporations should be allowed to control and distribute human and material resources in order to enrich a tiny elite, fueled by mass exploitation at the base level (of slaves in the 16th, 17th and 18th centuries, and of fossil fuels in the present day).

“These ideas are incredibly dangerous to what the Labour Party is about”, said Barry Scuffles, MP for Crinklesham West. “We should be talking about the work of modern economists, like Piketty, Krugman and Klein, not lurching back to some ridiculous ideology dreamed up by wig-wearing pints-o’-gin-drinking toffs who couldn’t write the letter s properly, based around imaginary debts and flogging weapons and drugs to dictatorships.”

Other MPs have warned that, if elected, one of these leaders could cause the progressive arm of the party to break away, similar to when the Country Whigs split from the Junto Whigs in the early 1690s.

Linda Hamshandy, senior adviser to Tony Benn, mirrored the language of radical Capitalist Blair’s impassioned Guardian letter today, saying “The party is walking eyes closed, arms outstretched, over the cliff’s edge to the jagged rocks below. Among the rocks are sharks, being ridden by corporatist millionaire bellends who want to rob us of our last shred of human rights and dignity. Murdoch is somewhere down there felating a giant squid. I may have overextended this metaphor. The point is, cliffs are bad.”

[If you enjoy leftieness mixed with a bit of nonsense, you’ll probably like Jack’s new show, Grandad and the Machine, touring a little bit this year and a lot in the next.]