The governing trustees of Southwark’s Globe Theatre have demanded the resignation of their Artistic Director, William Shakespeare, after disagreements over his unconventional artistic choices. In an official statement nailed outside its door today, the Globe said that, while they were impressed by Shakespeare’s innovative staging, including the integration of characterisation into the plot, the reinvention of soliloquy and the pioneering of the romantic tragedy genre, they felt the Globe should return to what Elizabethan Theatre has always been about: staging endless waffle written by posh twatt mates of the King.

Richard Burbage, one of the main shareholders in the theatre, said “Forsooth, this fellow cannotte be allowed to keepe on symply makeing up wordes all the tyme. The Englyshe Language is perfecte as it standes, with a hey nonny no and a fiddle-di-sirrah!”

While Shakespeare’s plays have brought increased audiences to the Globe, many feel that his use of artificial lighting, most likely imported from the more experimental Blackfriars Theatre where he briefly worked, is too dynamic, and would like to see the novel usage of torches in the evening to be replaced with the more traditional approach of running away home whenever it gets dark so that witches can’t get you.

John Heminges, another trustee, wrote an excoriating letter to the Southwark Poste today, declaring. “We must honour the hallowed traditions that this building stands on. I mean, sure, we made it by stealing a whole theatre whose landlord had evicted us, rebuilding it piece by piece in a random field, and putting on plays as a side hustle to its main function as a brothel-cum-bear-fight-arena, but…yeah, traditions.”

When approached for comment, Shakespeare said “Fuck’em, I own 12.5% of this mutha and I’m not going anywhere. I spent seven years on the run for poaching, they can come at me.”

King James was too busy burning Catholics for comment.