Millennials deemed “the worst generation” by 10th Century people

[Pictured: a group of Millennials engaged in the popular activity of “Feast Hall and Chill”]

New research from Ramsey Abbey has shown that attitudes to the generation born between 980 and 1000 AD, often dubbed “Millennials” or “Generation ð” are perceived to be the worst generation yet in popular opinion. Common conceptions of the age group include narcissism, sexual infidelity and a woeful inability to repel Viking raids along the Devon and Sussex coastlines.

“I just can’t understand them” said Thane Simon of Sinek, speaking in last week’s Witenaġemot “they just spent all day looking at their tapestries. How are you supposed to get on with real work, like aiding the parsnip harvest and digging holes to shit in, with an attitude like that?”

Others point to a strong sense of entitlement, set up by poor parenting. The Venerable Stein wrote in Time Chronicle, “a lot of these kids grew up expecting to live in walled towns, and won’t even sleep in a pile with their entire family on top of a pig for warmth. They’ve gotten used to abacuses doing maths for them, so can’t even calculate their share of the Danegeld levy in their head.”

Statistically, Millennials are 10% less likely to take up their father’s profession (not counting slaves), 20% less likely to know how to yoke an ox, and 3% more likely to contract leprosy.

There is also concern about a lack of commitment among Millennials. “My 18-year-old son still hasn’t taken a wife, and wants to travel to the next town over to look for one”, says Ælfheah, a churl from Old Sarum. “Who’s going to pay for that? There’s Wyrms and Giants out there!”

The Abbot of Ramsey was unavailable for comment, possibly due to dysentery.




Globe Theatre Seeks to Fire William Shakespeare In Row Over Staging

The governing trustees of Southwark’s Globe Theatre have demanded the resignation of their Artistic Director, William Shakespeare, after disagreements over his unconventional artistic choices. In an official statement nailed outside its door today, the Globe said that, while they were impressed by Shakespeare’s innovative staging, including the integration of characterisation into the plot, the reinvention of soliloquy and the pioneering of the romantic tragedy genre, they felt the Globe should return to what Elizabethan Theatre has always been about: staging endless waffle written by posh twatt mates of the King.

Richard Burbage, one of the main shareholders in the theatre, said “Forsooth, this fellow cannotte be allowed to keepe on symply makeing up wordes all the tyme. The Englyshe Language is perfecte as it standes, with a hey nonny no and a fiddle-di-sirrah!”

While Shakespeare’s plays have brought increased audiences to the Globe, many feel that his use of artificial lighting, most likely imported from the more experimental Blackfriars Theatre where he briefly worked, is too dynamic, and would like to see the novel usage of torches in the evening to be replaced with the more traditional approach of running away home whenever it gets dark so that witches can’t get you.

John Heminges, another trustee, wrote an excoriating letter to the Southwark Poste today, declaring. “We must honour the hallowed traditions that this building stands on. I mean, sure, we made it by stealing a whole theatre whose landlord had evicted us, rebuilding it piece by piece in a random field, and putting on plays as a side hustle to its main function as a brothel-cum-bear-fight-arena, but…yeah, traditions.”

When approached for comment, Shakespeare said “Fuck’em, I own 12.5% of this mutha and I’m not going anywhere. I spent seven years on the run for poaching, they can come at me.”

King James was too busy burning Catholics for comment.

6 Things To Remember When Dating An Artist Person

[Written in response to articles like this, this and this.]

  1. They are not normal.

It’s important to remember that artistic people are genetically different to us “normies”. They perceive the world in a fundamentally way, like people who have been in brain-damaging accidents, or dogs. If you don’t get quirky, eloquent and engaged response to questions like “what would you like for tea?”, there’s probably something wrong.

2. They need to be alone

GIVE YOUR ARTIST SOME SPACE. Leave them in a room. Lock the door to the room. Roll a slice of ham under the doorway periodically, but in a non-intrusive way. Delete their social media accounts and file a missing persons report with your local police.  This will really help them create, and they’ll love you for it.

3. They need to not be alone

Artists don’t communicate in the way we do. Don’t listen to the words that they’re saying, listen to the feelings beneath them. Artists are constantly volatile and passionate, and they always experience emotions on a more deep level than you, like Deanna Troi from Star Trek, or a dog. If they are not bringing these to the surface then something is wrong.

4. They’re meant to be unhappy

Allow your artist to throw expensive electrical goods across the room. Make sure you get laminate or tiled floors for the fortnightlyish occasions when they smear a mix of tears, acrylic paint and faeces around the place. Sobbing uncontrollably into the eviscerated cushions of your sofa is just a normal day in the office to an artist. Don’t attach medical labels to their esoteric and mystical creative process. Expect anniversary presents to include a dead fox from the garden, amateurishly taxidermized and wearing a mask of your face, or a drawing of God being sad on a stained Nando’s napkin.

5. They never, ever, EVER STOP

EVER. All artists want to do is work, and then talk about their work, and then work some more. They despise breaks and holidays because it gets them away from their job, which doesn’t really stress them out because it isn’t really a job. Make sure they’re checking their emails at 4am and giving business cards out at funerals.  Ask them about what they’re working on at the moment. If they say nothing or very little, FREAK OUT. Hit them with sticks. They are not being artisty enough. They don’t have a work life balance because their work is their life, like a Necromancer or a Superhero or a Police Dog.

6. They don’t understand grown-up stuff

All artists are massive children, so don’t expect them to comprehend basic adult tasks like scheduling events,  following rules and adding up money. After all, these are people who have voluntarily chosen a career that pays poverty wages, rather than something sensible. This is because they are intensely self-centred, and would rather draw attention to themselves than do jobs that make a social contribution, like Finance or Property Management. Allow them to move out of their extended adolescence in which they value human creativity more than the ability to gain home equity in their own time. They’ll get there. Remember that their charming child-brains are why you’ve taken them in, like a malnourished orphan chimney-sweep stranded in a snowdrift, or a dog. And with your love and support, they can blossom into a fully formed adult with a real job.

You can’t date Jack Dean, but if you come to one of his shows, download one of his albums or buy one of his books, he’ll do his darnedest to set you up with one of his most artisty artist colleagues.

Petition urges University of Roehampton to cancel apperance by author of controversial show Peppa Pig

A petition to prevent known radical and divisive figure Neville Astley from giving a talk at the University of Roehampton has been launched this week. The author is one of three writers behind the polarising work of televised fiction Peppa Pig was due to give a lecture to the university’s MA in Children’s Literature students, but has drawn disapproval from some of the student body for implicit attitudes conveyed in the show.

A spokesperson of the Assault On Peppa campaign group said “Peppa Pig has an appalling track record on animal rights, condoning the placing of pigs in pink dresses and blue jumpers. It also encourages abusive terms for spiders such as ‘mr skinny legs’. We won’t tolerate the promotion this kind of body dysmorphia in the arachnid community”.

The group went on to issue a statement that “Peppa also promulgates domestic violence and aggression on an unacceptable scale. When Daddy Pig loses his glasses, he repeatedly claims that he’s not grumpy, but can we really trust him when he makes that claim?”

The petition is part of a new wave of activism known as no-platforming, where students bravely encourage values of freedom of speech and open debate by not allowing people they disagree with to say anything. Originally conceived to prevent racists and fascists from skewing debate, the tactic has been expanded to prevent dangerous mouthpieces of terrorism such as Germaine Greer, Tim Stanley and Julie Bindel. It has also been recently deployed to prevent Robin Thicke’s song Blurred Lines, which features controversial lyrics such as “what rhymes with hug me?”, from being played on campuses around the UK. When asked what this means for every other song with potentially unpopular lyrics that has ever been written or recorded in the history of music, a member of University College London’s student union replied “nyah nyah, can’t hear you, you’ve got no platform in my brain, nyah nyah nyah”, before  erecting a gigantic white soundproof booth on top of the main campus building for like-minded students to sit in, drinking rainwater from a tube and reading dishwasher manuals for the remainder of their natural lives.

Daddy Pig was unavailable for comment.

Senior Labour figures warn party could risk return to 1690s

[Written in response to articles like this one, this one and this one.]

Recent alarming developments in the Labour party could see its progressive attitudes swept aside by outdated ideology, warn senior members within the group.

Right-wing candidates Yvette Cooper, Liz Kendall and Andy Burnham have gained astonishing popularity within the social-democratic party, with a recent poll predicting they will gain 53% of the vote between them.

The candidates are committed to supporting Capitalism, a late 16th century system invented to allow aristocrats to protect their investments in spice shipping along the high-risk trade-routes to India and China, and underpinned by texts such as Thomas Mun’s England’s Treasure by Forraign Trade, or the Balance of our Forraign Trade is The Rule of Our Treasure. Despite its early ventures repeatedly failing, this economic mechanism spread in the following centuries through a series of violent coups, but has since been largely discredited as oppressive and totalitarian by academics. Capitalists like Kendall, Cooper and Burnham believe that unaccountable, unelected corporations should be allowed to control and distribute human and material resources in order to enrich a tiny elite, fueled by mass exploitation at the base level (of slaves in the 16th, 17th and 18th centuries, and of fossil fuels in the present day).

“These ideas are incredibly dangerous to what the Labour Party is about”, said Barry Scuffles, MP for Crinklesham West. “We should be talking about the work of modern economists, like Piketty, Krugman and Klein, not lurching back to some ridiculous ideology dreamed up by wig-wearing pints-o’-gin-drinking toffs who couldn’t write the letter s properly, based around imaginary debts and flogging weapons and drugs to dictatorships.”

Other MPs have warned that, if elected, one of these leaders could cause the progressive arm of the party to break away, similar to when the Country Whigs split from the Junto Whigs in the early 1690s.

Linda Hamshandy, senior adviser to Tony Benn, mirrored the language of radical Capitalist Blair’s impassioned Guardian letter today, saying “The party is walking eyes closed, arms outstretched, over the cliff’s edge to the jagged rocks below. Among the rocks are sharks, being ridden by corporatist millionaire bellends who want to rob us of our last shred of human rights and dignity. Murdoch is somewhere down there felating a giant squid. I may have overextended this metaphor. The point is, cliffs are bad.”

[If you enjoy leftieness mixed with a bit of nonsense, you’ll probably like Jack’s new show, Grandad and the Machine, touring a little bit this year and a lot in the next.]

Undead Party: The First 100 Days – Review

[In response to last night’s UKIP: The First 100 Days ]

In a time of great political change, it is important to make sure that people are kept aware of potential terrible events, no matter how unlikely or absurd they are. It is with this bold mission that writer-director Chris Atkins (the man behind Cyberbully, in which Arya Stark is pitted against a digital warlord from House Chatroom) sets off on this grippingly realistic account of a plausible future in which Citizens for Undead Rights and Equality (CURE), a radical party directing anti-establishment feeling towards an imaginary problem, win a surprise landslide victory in the May 2015 elections.

Atkins splices real footage (mostly from various George A Romero films and the Resident Evil game series) with a human story following Bohdan Wojciech, CURE’s newly elected MP for Barking & Dagenham, of which there are plenty of moody beige establishing shots to prevent viewers forgetting where things are happening. Wojciech makes a swift ascent through the the ranks as the party’s only mortal member, guided by their shady senior spin doctor Count Von Bloodbat, but struggles to defend their controversial policies, including secession from the Land of The Living and measures to limit baptisms and crucifix and shotgun imports. Atkins shows great perspicacity in predicting how unpopular the policies of a party that no-one has ever voted for would be with large swathes of the public if somehow put into place.

As riots break out following state seizure of blood banks and cemeteries, Wojciech struggles to bridge the gap with his sister, a Vampire Hunter and Warrior Priestess, who ends up arrested for militant action against Home Secretary Cthulhu. Ultimately, Wojciech makes the tough moral decision to turn down promotion in favour of stopping a Hellmouth opening over his local Tesco.

This show follows in the line of other fact-based triumphs by Channel 4 such as Benefits Street and The Paedophile Hunter in reminding us of the importance of colossal and sustained media attention on marginal threats to liberal democratic society. Sure, CURE only fielded four candidates in the 2010 election, have a fraction of the support of other non-mainstream parties  and are largely based on a joke, but does that mean regular people shouldn’t be made to feel terrified that they will stage a coup and build giant milking parlours with which to suck out our brains?

[If you like Zombie Apocalypses, Immigration Swamping or other modern myths, you may like my show Threnody For The Sky Children, which is on at Sunny Bank Mills in Leeds on the 28th of February.Tickets are currently sold out, but they’re free and you can get on a waiting list for them,  and there’ll probably be a few no-shows on the night, so, yeah, do that.]